A Name Means The World

 Last week we received something in the mail for our Princess. Yes, we have gotten stuff for her before, but...

This time it was different...

This time a new smile landed on my face...

This time my heart felt complete...

You see, for so long our Princess has had the desperate need to be the "same."

Many do not understand what I mean by this.

Adoption is an amazing thing. Not an easy thing, but amazing. For some they are the "same" from day 1. They don't know their life any different. They don't know any other parents or siblings. They don't know any other rules. They are in each and every family picture. They have never gone with out. They have never been left alone. They have known and felt that family love from the beginning.

Sadly though. Many do not have those feelings from day 1. It's a hard thing to accept and grasp on to not only for these kids, but for the families trying to love and care for them as well.

Our Princess has known other parents. She has known other siblings. Sadly, she has been left alone. She has gone without. She has controlled most things in her life and hasn't had that love and acceptance from day 1.

People....This is the hardest most frustrating thing to see.

When you sit and look at your kids each and every night count your blessings because until you have fostered and adopted you do not realize just how lucky you are.

For us, we have seen many tears cried because she is not in family pictures. She has even asked us why we didn't save her and come get her for them. For the longest times she could tell you just where each and every picture of her was in the house. She screamed and cried because she so desperately wanted to be the "same." She has told us very many sad and scary stories of her past. She has asked over and over why her name tag didn't match the boys or even why they spelled her name wrong. Sure, she understands more than we think, but she didn't deserve this reality of being different.

The hardest thing as a parent is knowing that we cannot take her past away. We may never know or fully understand just what she has been through or what has happened.

Parents could you imagine these feelings with your babies?????

Thankfully though we have been able to adopt her. She is the "same" and to her having the same name and seeing it the same makes her feel complete.

No more do we have to try and hide things that have a different name on them. No longer do we have to whisper at doctor appointments when we are checking her in with a different name. SHE IS OURS FOREVER! SHE IS FOREVER A BROWN!

Seeing this peace of mail was refreshing. Sure, she will eventually have lots of questions that we will have to answer, but for now we are enjoying loving her. Enjoying providing for her. Enjoying giving her safety and security, something she hasn't felt for so long. Enjoying making her feel complete and whole and the "same!"

Parents embrace your kiddos. Be thankful for all you have.

We are trying to put piece by piece back and it is not easy, but because we are being obedient to God in this calling for our family, we rest assured piece by piece she will be made new again. God gets the glory for all and we are forever thankful He placed her in our lives. That we can give her the family and the "sameness" she so desperately needs and deserves.

To The Mom Who Wishes Her Days Away

This is to you.

Yes....YOU

You know, the mom who is tired, overwhelmed, frazzled, weary, and desperate to find herself again. The mom who just wishes she could go to the bathroom alone. A shower without screaming also sounds nice. Oh, and maybe even a lunch with a friend with NO kids!

Does any of this sound familiar? Does this hit a nerve?

Well, if so, I want you to know this mom has been ME for way too long.

You see, for the past 4 years I have considered myself a Stay At Home Mom. Yes, I have worked outside of the home a few days a week, but ultimately I have been at home with my kids. And I admit, it has been hard from me. I love working, having adult conversations, and helping others, but at the end of the day my job always comes down to being a crazy, busy MOM!

On the days I worked, I often found myself angry and stressed before my feet even hit the ground. I already had visions of what my evening was going to look like. Me running in frantic to try and figure out how to find some type of order to the after school chaos. Homework, a quick fixed dinner, then off to church, practices, games, etc. We were all screaming because we were tired. Laundry and dishes were piling, bills were still sitting there to be paid, and Mom was feeling overworked and underpaid.

How in the world do I keep up with work and all the stay at home mom duties? I never felt I accomplished anything other than the continual build up of anger and resentment toward anyone in my way. Yes, mom it's true. It's ugly. It's an awful feeling.

During all these times I just so desperately wished my days away with my children. I couldn't wait until each and everyone of them were in school. I could work just how I envisioned. I could maybe find some time to myself. Maybe even find that hidden smile again. I mean my kids had to be the reason I was feeling so empty, right?

WRONG...

Now all 4 of my big kids are in school. The first day of school I felt empty, not happy. I left feeling sad because I had wasted so much time being upset and appalled at the thought of spending each and every moment with them. How could I have let these terrible thoughts take me for so long?

Now I have this brand new baby. This baby that I too spent months being upset about because now I had to start over. This baby surely was not going to be good for this already chaotic family. Oh how I just wished this time away so I could get back to work. So I could provide and just feel whole again. Right?

Again, WRONG....

This baby is now 5 weeks old. Do you know what that means? It means my time is passing me. It means I have to go back to work in 1 week. You would think I would be happy about this because this is what I thought was going to make me happy and whole again, but I am not happy. I am sad. I am empty.

My fellow tired, weary, counting her days away Mom, guess what. We do not get these days back. All the days I spent being angry I can't take back. I can't get those play days outside with my kids back. I lost that.

During the past 5 weeks God has once again gripped me. He is showing me just how important my role as a mom is. Even if I am not working I am still providing for my kids. I am taking and picking them up from school and each and every activity. It's not easy, but it is my job. He is showing me how precious and how amazing His creation and plan is. I might only see a glimpse of it all, but let me tell you it is beautiful.  

Sure, I would LOVE to be at home daily. YES, I just said that..Daily. I have enjoyed my newest walking partner. I have been gripped by God in my worship and daily study. Cash and I sing and talk each and every day. When I pick up the big kids, I am not stressed and angry. Instead, I am excited and ready to conquer homework, dinner, church, practices, and games. If I have wanted to snuggle all day long, then that is exactly what I have done. Laundry is not piling and dishes are getting done. It has been a whole new feeling, but my feeling isn't coming from the completion of all these "THINGS," but from the Holy Spirit working inside of me. God is showing me just how important my job is and that I cannot take this for granted.  He is making me whole again.

Because of the cards I have been dealt right now I will be going back to work. I admit, I am scared because this mom of 5 thing is hard. However, I am trusting God will open doors and provide if there is a new plan for our family.

I only have my family because of Him. You only have yours because of Him. Let's not forget that. Let's not forget that in our daily struggle and frustrations we can be made new again because of Him. We will not get these days back. Let's embrace, let's love, let's laugh, and let's be thankful for all God has done and provided.

The Call That Changed Our Lives!

2 years ago today, a seed was planted in our hearts and our lives have been forever changed!!!

I remember sitting in the gym watching my oldest playing basketball when the text message came in from my best friend.

It read something like, "Hey are you busy? I wanted to talk."

If you know anything about me and my best friend Teresa, we LOVE talking, walking, and trying our hardest at solving the worlds problems! So I immediately think she wants to do just that! I text back telling her I will call when I leave.

Never did I imagine what she was about to tell me. Never did I imagine that in that conversation seeds of fostering would be planted. Never did I imagine hearing, "Are you sitting down, because God has really laid your family on my heart about something."

Yikes. When God puts someone on our hearts it's an amazing feeling, but sometimes for those placed on our hearts it can be a very overwhelming and scary feeling.

That night as God planted the seed of our God given Princess through my best friend, I remember feeling just like that. Flooded with emotions of joy, excitement, worry, fear, and doubt.

Could we really do this? Was God truly calling our family on the journey of foster care?  What would everyone say? Were we really capable of all God had in store?

Question after question flooded my mind.

Now I had this hope of this Princess that I had prayed for, but then in that hope was doubt that we could truly do this. Why are we always so doubtful of God's plans? For me, honestly it's because I can't control God's plans. I can't see the end result, and it's hard.

I remember being scared to even plant this amazing seed in Clayton's heart, but the words came out of my mouth just as God intended them to come. He simply replied with, "Just call tomorrow and see what they (the state) says."

Then I start to question again. Wait, is he really on the same page? Surely he doesn't really want this. Do I really call? God, please speak to us.

The amazing thing is, God did speak to us. He spoke to us through my best friend. So often in our lives we want that big flashing billboard that reads..."THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE TO DO." However, those billboards don't come like that exactly. They come in even better ways. Through His word, prayer, friends, family, etc.

We shared this Princess with our boys and made a commitment to pray nightly for her. We prayed specifically for God's will to be done above all. We explained to our boys that sometimes in life we want things so badly, but it's not always Gods timing or plan, but that we have to be obedient in His calling.

From that day forward God led. Doors opened and God revealed things to us every step of the way. He remained sovereign and in control even when we doubted. He never left our side and He never failed  us.

2 years later we now stand as a family of 7 with 4 homegrown boys and 1 beautiful God given Princess Kia Suzanne Brown through the gift of adoption!

This journey has showed us and taught us more than we could have ever imagined, but we would have it no other way. Today was the day our lives were forever changed!

If God has called you on a path or a journey that you never imagined to be on I encourage you to seek Him daily and call upon Him. Be obedient and have faith His will be done!

Power of Thank Yous

How many times a day do we truly tell others "Thank You" for something. I mean a true sincere, Thank You? I would guess sadly, not very many times. Too often in life we get caught up in our busyness to see the sincerity of the Thank Yous, or we just use it and say it because we know we are to politely do that. I want to tell you today how the Thank Yous from my daughter is changing my life.

Today was field trip day with the spunky Princess. I reassured her many times before school that I would be at her field trip. This is something so often as parents raising kids in a normal situation take for granted. Our biological kids know they can depend on us. They know we will never leave and we will forever take care of them. However, for our Princess this is a fear we still deal with often. It can become frustrating at times.  Recently, God has opened my eyes more and softened my heart to all she deals with. So many times I have allowed her insecurities and fears anger me. In know we are not the perfect family, but when a child doesn't trust you or doubts you and others so often it becomes extremely frustrating.

I pull in to the Pumpkin Patch today and see that for once I am on time and somewhere before the kids are! Ha! Yes, this is true...I am ALWAYS late! I get out and get baby Cash situated for the adventure and then discover that he has pooped. So I undo everything and start over. While I am doing all this I see the buses pulling in and kids exiting buses. My heart starts to feel overwhelmed because deep down I know what my absence at the trip can do to my daughter. I try and take a deep breath and finish what I am doing.

As I walk in I don't see her class and panic sets in. My pace picks up and my eyes start searching for my curly haired princess. Then, I spot her already on the hayride. Just as the guy is closing the tailgate I squeeze on. At first she doesn't even notice I am on the hayride. I can see her looking around. No one else knows what this look of hers means, but to me this is her look of disappointment. Suddenly our eyes meet!! She jumps up, gives me and Cash both many kisses and says with all sincerity and love "Mommy, you did come. Oh mommy, thank you so very much for coming on my field trip today. You are the best mommy and Cash is the best baby." We give each other great big hugs, but this embrace was different. I could feel her melt into my arms.

Trusting is not easy for her and so often it is hard for me to understand that. In her life many people have come and gone. Many people have hurt her and many people have scared her. Until you have taken in a foster child and lived this life it is truly hard for you to understand all the emotions that come with this journey. Due to all these emotions it is hard for many to complete the foster or even adoption task God has called them on. I can admit that many times I wanted to give up. Many times I questioned what God was truly doing. I became bitter and ugly, which she does not deserve. I am not happy about my emotions at times, but the emotions are real.

As we spent the next few hours together I saw her in such a beautiful way. Her Thank Yous overflowed. For her, her mom came and carried through, which is just one more step in the right direction to her. She loved on her baby brother Cash and on her Momma. She was so happy to show all her friends "HER" baby. She held him, she kissed him, she loved him. She was so proud of her Momma. She introduced me to everyone and made sure they all knew that I was her Momma and that we had the same middle name. My heart was full of love and once again my proudness meter rose for her.

My daughter is not perfect and neither am I. What my daughter is though is kind, loving, and compassionate. She is the best big sister and the best helper. Her Thank Yous are genuine and sincere. She shares willingly with others, which to me knowing that she has gone without many times is a huge testament to who God has made her to be.

Today as I spent quiet time with God after I got home I sincerely Thanked Him over and over for my daughter. She is not always easy and you know what? Neither am I. We butt heads and we get upset with each other, but in the end we love each other and I am proud to be her Mom!

Today I want to challenge you to truly look around you. To slow down and allow God to open your eyes to those around you that He has placed in your life and give them a real, honest, and sincere Thank You. Most importantly, Thank God for all He has blessed you with and trust He is control in all circumstances.

Poise Pad Anyone????

Kegels... Kagels... Koogles...Well, I'm just gonna call these...Shmoogles!!

All you mom's out there you have heard about this exercise. You know the one we are to be doing often and especially during pregnancy. It is suppose to keep our muscles strong and functioning well. RIGHT??? Well, I am saying WRONG!!!

I am thinking after about baby number 3 there is nothing glamorous about our bodies anymore. How it looks, how it functions, and how it even smells!!!!!! Hahahaha!!

For years I taught group exercise classes and I would hear from many of my friends how they just couldn't take my class because they were afraid they would pee their pants. Yes, that's right..PEE. For years I had a complex. If only they would just tell me they just didn't like my class, or even better just admit they don't want to exercise! I passed judgment at times and even became bitter when they would never come to any of my exercise functions. Well, I am here to tell you my sweet friends, this Mama passes NO more judgment. In fact the Poise Pad will now become my newest exercise accessory!!

That's okay. Laugh at me, laugh for me, laugh with me, but I can pretty much bet you too have had this happen to you. Sure, you don't want to admit it, so I will admit it for you today!

You are really killing that workout at the gym when all of a sudden that gush occurs. Oh, surely that didn't just happen. I have always been able to do those Jumping Jacks before, but after Jumping Jack 10, you realize that exercise has got to be thrown out of your routine. You look around, you look down and pray no one sees what just happened.

For the next 5 minutes you justify what you felt and now even justify what you might smell. You quickly pass that smell off to the older lady next to you and keep going!  Sure, keep laughing, but you know you have done this before! Yes, this can be and is embarrassing for many and I am sure that is the main reason most give for not being active anymore. However, I am here to reassure you that you are NOT alone and I challenge you to pick your sweaty, stinky self up and get back to being active! Maybe we can't do anymore jumping jacks, jumping rope, or anything jumpy, but there are still many other things we can do!

Sadly at the age of 34 and 4 beautiful children later I have happily joined the Poise Pad club! I love exercising. I love being healthy and I desperately need the stress relief my gym routine gives me. I feel that keeping our bodies healthy and happy is what God tell us to do. Our bodies are His temple and we are to take care of them regardless of how much function they have lost! Our children and our spouses need to see us setting the healthy examples regardless of our insecurities. I know finding and making that time for most of us is not easy, but I am telling you, it it necessary!

So join me today as we embrace this new chapter of our lives! Put the stinky fear behind you and be committed to putting on your grocery list this week...POISE PADS. Stick those bad boys in your purse or gym bag and let's continue being happy and healthy!! Anyone needing a fitness journey push, message me and together we will do this! No Poise Pad will ever hold us back!

30 minutes of Quiet

How often do we really just set and embrace our Creators creation? I know for me personally it doesn't happen near as often as it should. Yes, daily I spend time in prayer and devotion, but during that my mind is always running. I feel it is so easy to lose my focus. During my prayer time my mind can drift to my to do list, or to the needs that haven't been met yet in my life and my doubts of why, as well as drifting thoughts to others in my life. It can turn in to a vicious cycle at times.

Today however,  I was challenged to just sit and wait. Sit and listen. Sit and embrace. To go outside and enjoy His creation and revel in God's awesomeness. And let me tell you....boy, how I truly need to do this so much more. I want to share with you what God showed me in this time today.

As I walked outside I could feel the crisp air, however the warmth of the sun quickly warmed me up. God showed me that this is exactly what He can do and wants to do in our lives. He is the Son. We are called to rest in His everlasting arms. Trusting in His embrace, knowing He is in control. That nothing is outside of His influence and that the Almighty one is working out His awesome plan for our good. As we rest, wait, trust, and obey His loving arms hold us keeping us warm. And the warmth that feel from Him is the warmth we are to show to others around us.

I sat and listened to the different birds chirping and singing. What a glorious sound it really is when you just let your mind be still and listen. That sound is exactly what God wants from us. Daily He wants us sharing Him with others. He wants us to preach the gospel and sing praises to His name. To given Him all glory and honor.

I could feel the morning dew on my chair and quickly a smile came a cross my face. I have meditated many times over the past few years on Lamentations 3:22-23, and today God reminded me of that verse once again.
   
     The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every       morning; great is they faithfulness.

Daily new mercies are given from our awesome Creator. Daily we can fall at His feet and rest knowing that He forgives all. Nothing we do surprises Him and nothing we do changes His love for us. Daily we will fail and daily we will sin, but thankfully through His sacrifice that he paid for us we can pick up our cross and carry it for Him as we ask for new mercies.

Then, I heard what I know I am guilty of and so many others. I heard the honking of horns. OUCH. Really God? Did you need me to hear that? Yes, yes I did need that. Quickly this symbolized to me the busyness of our lives. God didn't truly plan our lives to be chaotic and crazy like they are. We are constantly running from one activity to another. One event to another. Our lives are consumed with church, school, work, sports, events, etc. It can be tiring, overwhelming, but surprisingly even through the busyness blessing can be found in disguise. My heart pounded with conviction as I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to SLOW DOWN. To seek God daily and see what it is that He would have us to do and to stop trying to make it all work myself or even do it all myself. He wants us sold out to Him 100%. Sadly this is so much harder than most of us want to admit because if your like me we have become accustomed to the daily chaos. We put God to the side quickly as we try and conquer the day without Him. Today in my time with no distractions I saw that I can not do that. Never will I be successful doing it alone. I need Him every minute, every hour, and every day of my life. No ifs, ands or buts about it. God needs me sold out to Him!

I mean, WOW! God, you truly are so majestic. You are so mighty and powerful. Your creation is breathtaking.  You love for us is mind-boggling. You are AWESOME! I challenge you today as well to find some time this week to just revel in His goodness! To be gripped my His greatness! He has something big He wants to show you!

                       Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all, through it all, it is
                        well. It is well, with my soul.

Thank you God for you grace and mercy!

New Mama of 5

I want to start this off by saying I serve an amazingly, AWESOME, mind-boggling, all-powerful, and all-knowing, limitless God!

I am now 2 weeks in to being a Mama of 5 kids! YIKES! I'm still not sure who really does this! Ha!

As most of you know we recently celebrated the birth of our 4th homegrown boy and have 1 beautiful princess through the gift of adoption! I want to tell you the past 2 weeks have truly been a blessing to all of us.  This new baby has brought more life and smiles in our home than we have seen or felt in months.

You see for months, I have been selfish. I have been depressed, overwhelmed, fearful, worried, and doubtful that God truly knew what He was doing with our family. Starting over was not what I wanted to do and many times I found myself in tears and overwhelmed with this idea. I love our kids, but the chaos that we live in is tiring and draining and in my heart and mind, I was DONE.

Sure, as a little girl I always had that fantasy of a big family. You know lots of talented kids performing and just having fun. Dinners each and every night together talking about our day and just enjoying life together. However, this fantasy in my mind died.

The sounds of that big family just became to much for me. I remember sitting in the doctors office 2 months before we found out we would be expecting yet another bundle of joy in tears because I felt I just couldn't be Super Mom anymore and raise these kids.

 The amazing thing about this is that what I didn't know is that God saw me differently. He knew exactly what His plan was about in unfold in our lives. He knew I could do way more than I ever imagined. For some crazy reason He knew one more baby boy was exactly what our family needed to be complete and made new. He knew that starting over was going to be more amazing than any of us ever imagined it to be. HE KNOWS IT ALL!!!

For the past 2 weeks as I have looked in to these deep baby blue eyes I have once again been mesmerized by our awesome Creator.
   
       Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I        praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that          full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was            woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days                    ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Did you catch what that verse said? All our day's are ordained and written before they ever come to be! STUNNING! I've cried many tears of joy the past 2 weeks as I have looked at our precious Cash and seen just how amazing our kids are with him. I have asked for forgiveness over and over for my negativity and doubt in my awesome Creator. I know full well it will not always be an easy journey as a Mom of 5, but I am fully believing this truly was and is God's plan and He will remain in control. He will continue gluing this family together in ways we never imagined. We have to believe and have faith in Him and His plans.

I am not a mom that sits well. I am up and going at all times. My mind races just as fast as my legs run, but God has opened my eyes and helped me to see just how much I need to slow down. I need to embrace not just baby Cash, but each one of these kids. Our time really does go fast and although in different seasons we are ready to rush through it God takes moments like these to stop us and show us His blessings. If I could give one piece of advice that God has pressed upon me lately, it is to STOP, BREATHE, and ENJOY HIM! Enjoy all the many blessings He has given us. I will tell you something, once you truly stop and enjoy you will be overwhelmed by the Peace that God gives!

Time to Put Excuses Away...

1 Corinthians 12:12-14 The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. Fro we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body- whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free- and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Now the body is not made up of one part but of many.

Being honest is much harder than telling a lie. Being something that we are not or placing blame on something else other than ourselves is much easier than facing reality that maybe it's not others, but indeed us that is failing in areas.

I know this sounds confusing and slightly crazy, but the past few months I have struggled with lots of negativity.  I have placed blame on others in my life instead of taking responsibility for my actions in what God has called me to do and where He has called me to serve. I have felt so convicted the past month and feel led to share my thoughts and my experience with what God has shown me about the Church and our responsibility as the Body of Christ.

Recently we started small groups at church and already I am seeing God revealing things I have needed to see for so long. Our study is on being Gripped by the Greatness of God! Do you or I even really comprehend just how big and how great our God truly is? I know for me I have minimized Him for way too long. I have doubted each and every part of His plan for my life and my family's life for many years. Yes, this is a hard thing to admit, but something I feel I have to do for myself and for others to see they are not alone. This past week this statement in our devotion gripped me and gripped me hard.

Allow God to grip your heart with this truth, His truth and you'll find you have NO more patience for your own lame excuses. 

Wow....Ouch...That hurts a lot, huh.

I don't know about you, but for me I have been willing and ready to throw in the towel in too many areas in my life over the past few years. I have been ready to quit the church, give up on my marriage, distance myself from my children, my friends and family. It's sad, but true. I have allowed excuses to rule my life.

Here's many I have allowed into my heart and that have ruled me....

I'm not good enough for my husband, I do everything myself, I can't do all that God is asking me to do nor do I want to, my kids overwhelm me daily, and the church is failing my marriage, my family and my kids. The list goes on and on.

Thankfully I have not acted upon any of these lies that so many of us woman believe about ourselves, our marriages, our family, and most importantly the church. Instead God has shown me some real hard realities. Some that aren't easy to swallow or admit to, but realities that in order for my life to be fruitful and pleasing to Him I have to swallow.

The church is not failing anyone in my family. I am the one failing my family. I am the one who has sat back waiting for the church to save my kids and my marriage. I am the one who has been critical of each and every program and service. I am the one thinking no one communicates or that no one is working to make anything better. I want things to change or be done, but I am NOT doing anything to change that. Instead I am placing all blame on everyone else.

Moms, dads, anyone reading this, God has called us to train our children up to love Him and know Him so they will not depart from Him. He has called us to be active in our church an in our family and to be serving Him not just at church, but in our homes as well. There will never be a perfect family. There will never be a perfect church service or a perfect church program. It will just never happen.

So I am done sitting back and watching the church decline because of my own lame excuses to not want to bring people in and my excuses to not want to serve. NO more. I pray that this hits you as well where ever you are and you too will take the stand to serve Him. And if you don't have a church home and are close join us as First Baptist in Aurora. There is amazing things happening there. The Holy Spirit is working in families and is calling individuals to serve where He needs us to be serving. We are coming together to further His kingdom and to show our kids the awesomeness of being Gripped by our God both in the church and out of the church.

Sure we will still stumble and fall, but we can rest assured He is working, He is alive, and He has big plans for each and every church and family. We have got to put our own selfishness aside and let God lead in each and every area of our lives. WE ARE THE CHURCH.  Our Pastors, Deacons, and church leadership cannot do it ALL. We have to stop expecting the church to please us, and we have to start pleasing our God with serving. It won't be easy, but from what God has shown me recently it will be worth it. Now is the time to stop the excuses, get involved, and raise our families to Love God, Love People, and Light the World!

FINALLY...The First Day of School..Wait, Really?

Okay, so I don't want to upset any mom's, but I must say as I am taking the annual first day of school pictures I notice that I really do have some of the cutest most orneriest kids around! Yep, it's true, this tribe all belongs to ME!!!

No, really though seeing how much they change year to year and how fast they truly grow is something that is so hard to embrace and wrap our minds around.

The first day of school comes with so many mixed emotions from both parents and kids. The kids are excited for the most part. Ready to play with friends, meet new people, and just be away from us for a while. It also comes with some nervousness and anxious feelings, but those feelings seem to quickly fade.

I'm gonna be honest here and let you know as for me, I have been counting the days down until the first day FINALLY starts. You know that day that FINALLY you get all of them all in school all day. YES!!! Time to myself, a little quietness, maybe lunch with a friend, housework with no distractions or toys being pulled out constantly, no one fighting, and no one needing my attention all stinkin day long!!!! I know someone out there can relate to these feelings.

We read the facebook post from the Mom's already counting the days until summer vacation, or the ones that are so sad the kids are going to be gone all day. I mean, what's wrong with these Moms? Am I missing something? I can't help but think once they are all gone all day I might actually get to go to the bathroom without anyone opening the door or maybe just even have some time to sit and breath for once.

When you are raising a tribe these quiet moments to ourselves don't come often, but yet we dream of these moments daily. Then...They FINALLY come!!!

However, we quickly realize that yes, we might be ready for a little time away from the kids, but they are our kids. We love them, we love the chaos, we love being needed and wanted, and we love the company.

As I walked out of the school this morning my heart began to race and I felt a little empty. Wait..What? Empty? God, this is what I have been waiting for! You know I am tired. You know I am weak. You know I am frazzled. You know I need my space and time. Right, God?

All I could hear was, SILENCE.

No one needs me to pick them up from preschool. No one needs me to fix their lunch today. No one needs my attention all day long. No one is saying Mommy, right now. Wait God, I wasn't expecting these feelings.

I quickly realized just how much I truly do love our chaos. Yes, it is extremely unbearable at times and leaves me overwhelmed most days, but I love them. They are getting big, they are changing daily into their own person, they are needing me less and less and I am finding myself sad and not completely ecstatic.

I see now just how much we truly do need our kids. To love them, support them, mold them, and lift them up at all times. Not wish our time away. We will never get these moments back and they go by so quickly.

I also see that is how my Heavenly Father is. Yes, He is silent at times, but it's because His silence is what we need to stop and breath Him in. We so desperately want to run and hide from him and just get away, but we so desperately need Him just as our kids truly need us. He wants to mold us, so we can mold our kids. He wants to love us unconditionally so we too can learn to love our kids unconditionally. No matter how much we kick and scream and throw fits, just as my tribe does on a daily basis, He loves us in spite of it ALL!!

I am thankful for routine today. I am thankful for healthy kids. I am thankful for amazing teachers that too will love, support, and mold my kids while I am not there, but most importantly I love my Father who never wishes His time away from me. I can't wait to hear about their first day. I can't wait to embrace them all and I can't wait to see those ornery smiles!! Kindergarten, 1st grade, 2nd grade, and 6th grade. WOW! Where has it all gone?! Now, hurry home!

Happy Anniversary!!

Genesis 2: 22-24 Then the Lord God made a woman form the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be call woman, for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will eave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Today Clayton and I celebrate 12 years of marriage. Through the 12 years we have both witnessed God doing amazing things in our lives and in our family. However, as I started to make a post today about our big day God stopped me.

I want to be real. I want to be open. I want to be vulnerable. It's not easy, but I feel God calling me to share with others different things in our lives. I want others to see we are not perfect. We do not have the perfect marriage, family, or kids.

In fact, most days around here are pure chaos. After the honeymoon phase is over, then the reality of raising kids and trying to parent together while trying to get control of your kids hits HARD.

You have 2 people who may or may not have been raised the same way, or maybe one is able to block out more than the other. You know what I mean ladies! It's true...we desperately want a man in control. We want him to provide, discipline, love us, love our children, be God fearing men, and serve others. Right?

In reality though those things don't always happen daily? Why, you ask? Because we are human. Sure we all have those friends who post daily about how fabulous their marriage, their kids, and their lives are but if you were to strip it all away, they are just like us.

It's not perfect daily. Daily we start the day striving to be all of that and more, but daily we fail. We fail our Heavenly Father, our spouses, our children, and our families.

We fight, we argue, we slam doors, and yes, we even yell. It's not pretty. It's not fun. But truthfully it's life.  We are tired, we are overwhelmed, we are overworked, and our love tanks are drained.

However, God designed marriage for man and woman to work together, to be a team, to be ONE. Through each and every trial we are to rest on our knees together praying for God's guidance, His goodness, His mercy, and His grace. Daily we need this in our marriages and in our homes.

The past 2 years have been the hardest on our marriage as our family dynamics have changed tremendously. Yes, we prayed about it. Yes, we felt God's calling on our lives to foster a beautiful princess, and YES, it has absolutely taken a toll. When God calls us to do something He never completely shows us the map. Why?  Because

then we wouldn't follow Him. We wouldn't rely on Him to strengthen our marriage, our children, our families, and our daily walk with Him.

I haven't been easy to live with the past few years or be around. Yes, I know this and I recognize it. It is the worse feeling ever. I haven't filled my husbands love tank or my children. I've screamed, I've cried, I've thrown temper tantrums. I'm tired, I'm beyond overwhelmed, and I'm stressed. Anyone with me? It's hard trying to measure up to everything everyone feels you need to be. I just can't do it. So many times the past few years I have wanted to throw in the towel. I've wanted to run from my marriage, from my kids, and from my family. It's not an easy thing to admit, but this is really what life entails. It's not always roses. It's not always happy and pleasant. It's HARD.

I am here to tell you though God can help us. He can restore marriages, families, addictions, or anything in life we may deal with. He can pick us up daily and brush us off if only we ask and seek Him daily.

As I have asked for forgiveness today on my 12 year anniversary I am thankful to have a husband who loves me, flaws and all and even more importantly loves our children and is willing and ready to continue working as a team. This week as I was driving to court for our big adoption date of our beautiful God given princess I received this picture. As I was looking at it, tears began to form.

This man loves us. He provides for us daily. He works hard and very rarely do we ever hear him complain about it. He works extra and he works late. He has had to miss activities and time away because of his absolute love for us.

Selfishly I wanted him to take the day off for court, but you know what, He knew he had to provide. So this is him washing his hair with help from a friend at work before coming to court for one of the biggest days of our lives. He was there, he was present, but yet he still provided for us. For this I am forever thankful God blessed me with this man.

Marriage is not easy, but with love and with the grace of God all things are possible!

Happy 12 years Clayton Andrew Brown! I know it hasn't been easy and I know our journey is not over. In 12 years we have had 3 boys, fostered and adopted a beautiful princess, and now are expecting one more. We are beyond blessed! Thank you for doing life with me. Thank you for loving me despite my anger at times and my selfishness. Thank you for forgiving me and helping me to see just how much you truly love us!

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!

Psalm 118:24 this is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.

657 days ago God planted the biggest seed our of lives. A seed of a Forever Princess, a seed of Forever Love, and a seed of Forever Trust in Him!

When this journey started our prayer as a family was that God would place this Princess where He felt she needed to be forever. That may or may not be our home and as hard as that would possibly be we prayed expectantly that God would fulfill His promise to this special Princess. Through the first few months of our journey as we prayed nightly together,  teaching our boys that sometimes in life we want something so bad, but ultimately what we want is God's Will and God's Will alone. Through that we had to hold on and trust He was working it out for His good, not ours.

65 days after the seed was planted and our love was growing we got the call that God's Princess needed our home!! As we frantically ran to get new bedding, clothes, toys, etc we were anxious and scared of all she had been through and what this journey was now going to truly entail. Our family and friends came together in love and support as they poured their hearts out to not only us, but now to this Princess! At the beginning we didn't know truly what the plan for her was, but what we were confident in is that God had called us and was equipping us to carry out His plan.

For 592 days our home has been shared by a beautiful Princess! During these days I have often wondered what really goes through her mind. She must be scared. She lacks trust. She lacks love. She lacks forgiveness. She lacks a home. No child should have to endure all of this.

Many times we wanted to throw in the towel. God, why is this so hard? God, why can't she trust us? God, are we truly doing what you called us to do?

Each time He replied, YES!

We've held on

Today is the day we have prayed earnestly and expectantly for. Today is the day we have fasted for. Today is the day we have dreamt about. Today is the day we will come home with a FOREVER DAUGHTER OF THE KING!! Today is the day our boys gain a FOREVER SISTER! Today is the day our family and friends gain another BROWN!

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!!!!!!

I have been emotional already today. Excited, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, but most importantly at peace knowing that we have done exactly what God has called us to do and even through the midst of the storm, we held on trusting, obeying, and listening.

This is NOT our story, but God's story. This is our Journey that God has called us on and today FOREVER our lives will be changed!

1 Samuel 1:27  I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

Just as every parent is proud of their children and excited to show what God has created we too can't wait to introduce Our God Given Princess!!!!

Forever God is faithful
Forever God is strong
Forever God is with us
Forever and ever, FOREVER

blessedandmessy.com: Trusting In God Through It ALL

blessedandmessy.com: Trusting In God Through It ALL: Matthew 25:35-40        For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink; I was a strang...

Trusting In God Through It ALL

Matthew 25:35-40
       For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you took care of Me; I was in prison and you visited Me. Then the righteous will answer Him, Lord when did we see you hungry and feed You, thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or without clothes and clothe You? When did we see you sick, or in prison, and visit You? And the King will answer them, I assure you: Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.


A year ago this month we sat in the lawyers office signing Guardianship papers on God's princess that he so graciously placed in our path. As we left that day my husband and I both felt empty. This was not what we thought God has envisioned for His princess, but yet everyone around us made us feel this was our only hope. They made us feel that in no way would adoption ever happen with this case. We left, as we have done so many times on this journey, confused, tired, weary, frustrated, and angry.

However, despite all these negative feelings we also still left each meeting with our lawyer, monthly meetings with the case worker and family, court hearings, visits, etc with HOPE. Something inside of us told us God was not done. This is NOT His plan for His princess. So we continued to hold on.

Holding on has been hard. Many times we have found ourselves slipping just wanting to let go. Why does this process have to be so hard? Why do we leave each meeting confused? How come no one seems to be fighting for our princess? Why is no one else wanting adoption and a forever home for God's princess?

Through all the heartache, confusion, doubt, and fear God's grip has never loosened. Even during the times we cried and prayed for God to move the mountain in front of us, to part the water for us to walk through, He remained faithful just as He promises. Despite the storm we felt we were in.

Sure, it's been hard to see Him at work in our situation at times, but through it all our eyes are on Him and through it all He has never left our side. As we cried out to our church family and friends for prayer meetings and as they gathered around us so many times over the past year and a half praying for our princess, our family, the judge, her mom, and all involved, He heard.

Each and every time we were to go to court for guardianship God closed that door. Even when it was scary and didn't make sense as to what was going to happen next, He knew. He always knows.

Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord is the One who will go before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or discouraged.

God tells us over and over in His word to trust, to obey, to not lose hope, and to know He is in control and always His will be done. However, our sinful nature is to lose grasp of all of that. I will be honest, many times I lost that hope. Many times I felt alone and afraid, but I tell you today if we continue crying out to Him even in the storm we will see His glory, His goodness, and His grace!

Today we took the last step in what we thought at one point was never going to happen. Today we signed all adoption papers.  Yes, that is right. God did move our mountain, He did part the waters for us to walk through, and He still remains in control.

As I drove home today from this appointment I was full of emotions. God, can I really do this? God, I'm scared. God, can I really be the mom she truly needs me to be? God, you are here, right?

Through my emotions and tears as I drove all I could hear was a big fat "YES!" He has given us a beautiful story. Not an easy one, but exactly what He feels our family needs to complete the work He has called us to do. Soon, very soon, we will have Adoption Day! Soon, His princess will be our princess that He has trusted us with. Through the ups and downs He will never leave us. He is our hope and our foundation. His princess will wear the crown of beauty from ashes. She is about to have a forever home that may not be perfect, but loves her and has committed to care, nurture, provide, love, support, and give all she needs FOREVER!! Those hugs and kisses we give daily and prayers we say are FOREVER OURS!!!!

We will continue walking boldly and confidently! Trusting in God!

blessedandmessy.com: It's A BIG Day!!!

blessedandmessy.com: It's A BIG Day!!!: Today marks a very BIG day for our family and our family's future. I still cannot believe that 1year ago this week was the first time we...

It's A BIG Day!!!

Today marks a very BIG day for our family and our family's future. I still cannot believe that 1year ago this week was the first time we walked into a courtroom, ever, in hopes of adopting our God given princess. It has been a long and exhausting journey and in no way easy, but we are confident we are still doing what God has called us to do. Our journey is still not over and we know our journey will never truly be over.

Throughout most of our journey we thought we were going to end the case with Guardianship and not adoption, because the "team" just did not think adoption was going to happen with this judge or in the county we are working with. We however knew different. We know, believe, and trust in the God we serve and although we have left that courtroom many times completely destroyed and defeated we have never lost our Faith. We fought and pushed never giving up.

I won't lie, many times giving up seemed easier, but God continued to bless us through His Princess showing us many things along the way. His power, His mercy, His grace, and His control never stopped and in fact He still continues opening doors for our family and our God given Princess.

Over the past year and a half we have witnessed just how hard addiction can be in a person's life, but thankfully through that God has also shown us beautiful things about this person with the addiction and how similar our lives really are.

Addiction is hard. Addiction tears lives and families apart. Addiction is dark and daunting. However, addiction is no different than any other sin. Gossiping, lying, judging, living beyond your means, excess eating, adultery, etc, but yet we are so quick to put those down with addiction and pass those judgements when sin is sin.

We have seen first hand just what addiction can do to a child and to a family. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, and even confusing. As I have wasted so much time being angry, worrying, feeling overwhelmed, and even doubting that God can truly do the impossible.

A few months ago I looked into another mother's eyes seeing that I am a sinner just like her. The only difference is that I have been saved. I have been redeemed, and daily I have to come to the feet of Jesus begging for forgiveness, because I have been shown God's grace and mercy. I know just how powerful the gift of salvation is and I see the power in prayer.

Because of this I have also prayed earnestly expecting God to do amazing things in this mother's life. God things, life changing things, Salvation things. Sure, it's been hard, but I see the good in her. I see the amazing life God wants for her.

Through this journey God has shown us the impossible. I have witnessed a selfless mom making the hardest, but yet best decision of her life, signing those termination papers. Regardless of what has happened I can't truly imagine what was going on in her mind. As we locked eyes, I saw her heart, I felt her love, and I saw her how Jesus sees her. It was the most AMAZING feeling! God did the impossible!

After that meeting, we embraced and have done so many times, but this time it was different. I looked her in eyes and told her to be ready. She looked at me with confusion, but because I know God hears our prayers and I am praying expectantly I know that He IS and WILL do something amazing in her life. It may be tomorrow it may be 10 years, but I will not stop praying for her and the gift she has given her child.  The gift of life, and forever love.

TODAY, however was the actual hearing for Termination of Parental Rights. It's a day we have been earnestly praying for. A day that we thought many times was not going to happen, but continued on the path God set in front of us. A day that brings so much joy to one family, but so much heartache and hurt to another.

As a mom I am still trying to wrap my mind and emotions around all of this. Although I am blessed to know we are about to have a big celebration and an adoption day, my heart still aches for this beautiful mom. This journey has shown me how important it is to speak life into people and plant the seeds we are called to plant. We are witnesses to all around! I can't wait for the day she is saved and her life is forever changed because I know God is at work!

Adoption Day is coming and so is Jesus!!

‪#‎fosterlove ‪#‎sinissin ‪#‎selflesslove ‪#‎Godsnotdone‪#‎bighurdlejumpedbyGod ‪#‎beautyfromashes ‪#‎Godsnotfinishedyet

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