Today Clayton and I celebrate 12 years of marriage. Through the 12 years we have both witnessed God doing amazing things in our lives and in our family. However, as I started to make a post today about our big day God stopped me.
I want to be real. I want to be open. I want to be vulnerable. It's not easy, but I feel God calling me to share with others different things in our lives. I want others to see we are not perfect. We do not have the perfect marriage, family, or kids.
In fact, most days around here are pure chaos. After the honeymoon phase is over, then the reality of raising kids and trying to parent together while trying to get control of your kids hits HARD.
You have 2 people who may or may not have been raised the same way, or maybe one is able to block out more than the other. You know what I mean ladies! It's true...we desperately want a man in control. We want him to provide, discipline, love us, love our children, be God fearing men, and serve others. Right?
In reality though those things don't always happen daily? Why, you ask? Because we are human. Sure we all have those friends who post daily about how fabulous their marriage, their kids, and their lives are but if you were to strip it all away, they are just like us.
It's not perfect daily. Daily we start the day striving to be all of that and more, but daily we fail. We fail our Heavenly Father, our spouses, our children, and our families.
We fight, we argue, we slam doors, and yes, we even yell. It's not pretty. It's not fun. But truthfully it's life. We are tired, we are overwhelmed, we are overworked, and our love tanks are drained.
However, God designed marriage for man and woman to work together, to be a team, to be ONE. Through each and every trial we are to rest on our knees together praying for God's guidance, His goodness, His mercy, and His grace. Daily we need this in our marriages and in our homes.
The past 2 years have been the hardest on our marriage as our family dynamics have changed tremendously. Yes, we prayed about it. Yes, we felt God's calling on our lives to foster a beautiful princess, and YES, it has absolutely taken a toll. When God calls us to do something He never completely shows us the map. Why? Because
I haven't been easy to live with the past few years or be around. Yes, I know this and I recognize it. It is the worse feeling ever. I haven't filled my husbands love tank or my children. I've screamed, I've cried, I've thrown temper tantrums. I'm tired, I'm beyond overwhelmed, and I'm stressed. Anyone with me? It's hard trying to measure up to everything everyone feels you need to be. I just can't do it. So many times the past few years I have wanted to throw in the towel. I've wanted to run from my marriage, from my kids, and from my family. It's not an easy thing to admit, but this is really what life entails. It's not always roses. It's not always happy and pleasant. It's HARD.
I am here to tell you though God can help us. He can restore marriages, families, addictions, or anything in life we may deal with. He can pick us up daily and brush us off if only we ask and seek Him daily.
As I have asked for forgiveness today on my 12 year anniversary I am thankful to have a husband who loves me, flaws and all and even more importantly loves our children and is willing and ready to continue working as a team. This week as I was driving to court for our big adoption date of our beautiful God given princess I received this picture. As I was looking at it, tears began to form.
This man loves us. He provides for us daily. He works hard and very rarely do we ever hear him complain about it. He works extra and he works late. He has had to miss activities and time away because of his absolute love for us.
Selfishly I wanted him to take the day off for court, but you know what, He knew he had to provide. So this is him washing his hair with help from a friend at work before coming to court for one of the biggest days of our lives. He was there, he was present, but yet he still provided for us. For this I am forever thankful God blessed me with this man.
Marriage is not easy, but with love and with the grace of God all things are possible!
Happy 12 years Clayton Andrew Brown! I know it hasn't been easy and I know our journey is not over. In 12 years we have had 3 boys, fostered and adopted a beautiful princess, and now are expecting one more. We are beyond blessed! Thank you for doing life with me. Thank you for loving me despite my anger at times and my selfishness. Thank you for forgiving me and helping me to see just how much you truly love us!
