Journey Begins with Grief

3 years ago I started praying for this princess. This princess I felt we were missing out on. This princess that I felt God telling me would complete our family. And so it began. I started praying earnestly that God would bless our family with this princess that laid so heavy on my heart. Months and months went by, but I continued praying. I wasn't sure what God was telling me, but I just knew I couldn't stop.

Through this time I warned my husband and I warned our family that we would have us a beautiful princess someday. However, the feeling didn't seem to be mutual at the time. My husband was not on board for starting over and having a baby. No matter what I said about how I was feeling that was not in his plans. Our family, I think thought I was crazy. We already had 3 amazingly wild boys and were already over our limit.

This didn't stop me though because I felt something different. I felt this void. I felt my heart pounding at the thought and idea of this princess. The boys seemed to want a baby, so why wasn't everyone else understanding this feeling I was having. My prayers continued and because I felt slightly defeated I felt led to change my prayer, but not give up.

Months later my prayers started being for this princess that I felt God laying on my heart. Maybe it would be our biological princess, maybe she would come through the foster system, and even better maybe through adoption. Sure, it sounded crazy and I didn't share it with many because yes, I was already overwhelmed and busy, but these prayers were different. This calling was different. No one understood, but I knew God was listening.

A year passed, but my hope was still the same. Daily I prayed for our princess. Daily I prayed for God's will to be done in our home, in our marriage, in our children, and in our future.

Suddenly things changed. I started not feeling well. Surely, I'm not pregnant, I'm on birth control. What are these unusual feelings I'm having. A few days passed and the symptoms were still present. So, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I knew it wouldn't be positive, but the feeling would not leave me.

Then it happened and I saw what every mother longs to see. That's right 2 lines!! When I saw this I was immediately overwhelmed with emotions. I was excited, fearful, overwhelmed, scared. What is my husband going to say? He didn't want a baby. What will our family and friends think? God, help me. As I ventured into the living room and the words "I'm pregnant" came out of my mouth my husband says, "Seriously?" feeling nervous I shook my head. He says, "Your gonna have to stop praying!" A sigh of relief, a joke! He knew this was a prayer of mine and as we both sat in disbelief we accepted this idea and this plan God indeed had for our family.

As the next week went by we both smiled, but never said anything to anyone. I think we were both still shocked that God answered this crazy prayer and somewhat scared of telling anyone yet. A few people even mentioned to us about us having more kids. We both shot each other a look, but neither one of us still said anything.

Then one morning our greatest fear as a woman happened. The cramping was bad, the pain wouldn't stop, and the bleeding started. I knew what this meant, but no, God no. I've prayed for this princess. You answered that prayer. I've had 3 healthy pregnancies. God, why is this happening? God, stop this pain. God, stop this from happening. God, listen to me.

I felt alone, depressed, and angry. Why God, why? I asked myself over and over again. This awful void was still there. I just knew this was our princess. As the months passed I shared this secret of a miscarriage with very few people. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to speak. I wanted to run, hide, scream, and crawl away. This princess I've felt so called to pray for is gone. Have you ever been there before? Infertility? Miscarriage? It's a horrible and lonely feeling.

I tired to pick myself up and carry on. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting. I didn't want anyone to know I was bound for tears and I certainly didn't want anyone to know I was suffering from depression and questioning what God was doing in our lives.

God blessed me with a few amazing friends who walked with me, talked with me, let me cry on their shoulders, listened, and inspired me through their story and journey. I wasn't alone. Someone understood me. I shared with them my hopes and dreams of this princess. It's like I could see her, but now she was gone. I won't lie my prayers stopped. I guess I was missing what I felt God had called me to pray for.

The questions continued. God, why are you being silent? God, why aren't you healing this pain? God, why aren't you listening to me anymore? God!

2 weeks after I would have delivered our baby I got a call. A call I NEVER imagined ever getting. Sure this had been in my prayer, but I really wasn't believing this was how this would happen. My friend who walked and talked with me says, "Are you sitting down? God has placed your family on my heart about something and I need to tell you." I remember thinking "Oh no, what now God." but I listened.

And this is where our journey with our new princess started. WOW! Surely not. A little girl who needs a home, a possible forever home? A little girl who is hurting and needs love. God, I can't do this. Can I? My husband will never go for this. This will be hard. There's so many uncertainties in foster care. God, are you there? God, are you listening?

As her picture came across my phone my immediate love for her grew. She's beautiful. She's perfect. Could she really be ours someday? Not knowing what to do I simply sent that picture to my husband.  I didn't say who she was or anything about her. Just pushed send. We briefly talked about the situation that night and we shared her with our boys and then my husband says, "Well, just call and see what they say."

REALLY?? My heart was full of emotions. Emotions I can't even explain, but this my friend is where and how our journey with our beautiful, curly haired, God given princess started. God's hand in this and through this process is overwhelmingly amazing. Over the next few months I want to continue sharing this beauty, our princess with you. It's a hard and emotional journey. One that isn't so pretty for myself a lot of the time, but I am here to tell you God does hear our prayers. He answers in His timing and in His way. It's not always easy, but God is in control.

If you have gone through this pain or if you are currently hurting comment, message me. I want to pray for you daily. I've been there and I know just how difficult the journey of a miscarriage can be. If you are a foster parent and just need hope and prayer, I'm here. God is here. I pray this blog helps someone right now and my prayer is that even through the wilderness you will hold on to God and His promises. We can't see what His plans are, but we have to be confident never giving up that He holds them.