Such a hard thing to overcome...
For me I have let my insecurities overshadow most of my life.
Never truly feeling good enough. Never truly feeling pretty enough. Never truly feeling smart enough. Always second guessing my every move, my every answer given, or response spoken.
Always doubting if God indeed has called me to do something, because even though I know He equips me I doubt that equipping. I doubt His love for me at times, I doubt His plans, I doubt why He has called me on to different paths in life.
Is is really going to work out all for His good and His glory?
For a very long time I felt God tugging at my heart to start something, but for the longest time I couldn't quite place my finger on just what that something was. I found myself reaching at all things to figure it out. Starting many things, but then quitting them. God, what is it that you are calling me too?
Yes, I am a very blessed and messy mom of 4 handsome homegrown boys, and 1 beautiful God given Princess through adoption and to most this is all our heart desires. But for me, this tugging of something else and something more wouldn't stop.
After recently adopting our daughter and giving birth to our surprise baby boy I found God in a way I hadn't seen in a while.
For way too long I was blinded by anger, bitterness, pride, selfishness, depression, anxiety. You name the feeling, it was there. Some days it came at such a force I had to run to my closet just to gather myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. Where was God?
You know what? He was there. He never leaves me. He never forsakes me. He loves me for me. The angry me, the bitter me, the happy me. Regardless of my day or my emotion He was and is still there. Waiting. Waiting for me to allow Him to work through my brokenness. To show others that I too fall short and that I too am in desperate need for a Savior.
Through this journey I felt led to start a Ladies Ministry. I need ladies. I need fellowship. I need accountability from other Christian Sisters. I need to share Him with others and in return for them to share Him with me.
And you see... Today, that is just what happened. As I have been gearing up for our first Ladies Night of Worship I admit... My insecurities and doubt have once again flooded my mind. Am I really adequate to be leading these ladies God? Am I following your plan? God, I don't know what to say? God, are you there? God...
I have found myself over the past 6 months of having this ministry wanting to quit many times. Why? Because I have once again allowed Satan to have reigns on my insecurities instead of trusting the Lord God Almighty.
As I was sitting on my bed singing and worshipping one of my boys brought me in an Amazon box. I'll be honest, I immediately panicked. I have felt lately like I have no clue if I'm coming or going or what I am doing most days. As I was opening the box I kept thinking I must have ordered something and couldn't remember. Immediate guilt flooded because right now for our family finances are not the strongest. How could I have been so selfish.
Then, I see this beautiful green bag and inside it a journal wrapped up. I didn't remember ordering this, but then the way my mind has been lately, maybe I did.
I then flip it over to find a note that reads...
Because you are such a blessing to me!!!
Full on tears flow as I send this amazing friend a message thanking her for the gift. Not only that, but tears were falling because in a moment when I was starting to doubt and worry and question, God opened my eyes through her to see that He is in control and that He indeed will be glorified in all we do!
My friends, we so desperately need each other! There is no doubt in my mind that God placed this special friend in my life for many reasons, but that in a time when she felt she needed me I too needed her and together we always need HIM!!!
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