Yes....YOU
You know, the mom who is tired, overwhelmed, frazzled, weary, and desperate to find herself again. The mom who just wishes she could go to the bathroom alone. A shower without screaming also sounds nice. Oh, and maybe even a lunch with a friend with NO kids!
Does any of this sound familiar? Does this hit a nerve?
Well, if so, I want you to know this mom has been ME for way too long.
You see, for the past 4 years I have considered myself a Stay At Home Mom. Yes, I have worked outside of the home a few days a week, but ultimately I have been at home with my kids. And I admit, it has been hard from me. I love working, having adult conversations, and helping others, but at the end of the day my job always comes down to being a crazy, busy MOM!
On the days I worked, I often found myself angry and stressed before my feet even hit the ground. I already had visions of what my evening was going to look like. Me running in frantic to try and figure out how to find some type of order to the after school chaos. Homework, a quick fixed dinner, then off to church, practices, games, etc. We were all screaming because we were tired. Laundry and dishes were piling, bills were still sitting there to be paid, and Mom was feeling overworked and underpaid.
How in the world do I keep up with work and all the stay at home mom duties? I never felt I accomplished anything other than the continual build up of anger and resentment toward anyone in my way. Yes, mom it's true. It's ugly. It's an awful feeling.
During all these times I just so desperately wished my days away with my children. I couldn't wait until each and everyone of them were in school. I could work just how I envisioned. I could maybe find some time to myself. Maybe even find that hidden smile again. I mean my kids had to be the reason I was feeling so empty, right?
WRONG...
Now all 4 of my big kids are in school. The first day of school I felt empty, not happy. I left feeling sad because I had wasted so much time being upset and appalled at the thought of spending each and every moment with them. How could I have let these terrible thoughts take me for so long?
Now I have this brand new baby. This baby that I too spent months being upset about because now I had to start over. This baby surely was not going to be good for this already chaotic family. Oh how I just wished this time away so I could get back to work. So I could provide and just feel whole again. Right?
Again, WRONG....
This baby is now 5 weeks old. Do you know what that means? It means my time is passing me. It means I have to go back to work in 1 week. You would think I would be happy about this because this is what I thought was going to make me happy and whole again, but I am not happy. I am sad. I am empty.
My fellow tired, weary, counting her days away Mom, guess what. We do not get these days back. All the days I spent being angry I can't take back. I can't get those play days outside with my kids back. I lost that.
During the past 5 weeks God has once again gripped me. He is showing me just how important my role as a mom is. Even if I am not working I am still providing for my kids. I am taking and picking them up from school and each and every activity. It's not easy, but it is my job. He is showing me how precious and how amazing His creation and plan is. I might only see a glimpse of it all, but let me tell you it is beautiful.
Sure, I would LOVE to be at home daily. YES, I just said that..Daily. I have enjoyed my newest walking partner. I have been gripped by God in my worship and daily study. Cash and I sing and talk each and every day. When I pick up the big kids, I am not stressed and angry. Instead, I am excited and ready to conquer homework, dinner, church, practices, and games. If I have wanted to snuggle all day long, then that is exactly what I have done. Laundry is not piling and dishes are getting done. It has been a whole new feeling, but my feeling isn't coming from the completion of all these "THINGS," but from the Holy Spirit working inside of me. God is showing me just how important my job is and that I cannot take this for granted. He is making me whole again.
Because of the cards I have been dealt right now I will be going back to work. I admit, I am scared because this mom of 5 thing is hard. However, I am trusting God will open doors and provide if there is a new plan for our family.
I only have my family because of Him. You only have yours because of Him. Let's not forget that. Let's not forget that in our daily struggle and frustrations we can be made new again because of Him. We will not get these days back. Let's embrace, let's love, let's laugh, and let's be thankful for all God has done and provided.
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