Good Enough

I'm fat. I'm ugly. Nothing in my closet fits me. My butt is big, thighs are huge and what is up with all the cellulite???? My hair is so plain and heaven forbid I have to try and figure out how to fix this mess.

Why? Why am I not good enough? If only I was taller my thighs wouldn't look so big. The cellulite would be spread out and I'm sure those clothes hanging there would fit better. Right?

This has been a mentality of mine for way to LONG. For years I have struggled with so much insecurity. Always wanting to fit in with "that" crowd. You know, wear the things "they" wear, look the way "they" look. Feel accepted, feel wanted, feel good enough. "They" seem happy. "They" have it together. "They" never seem to struggle with their appearance.

But day after day I look in the mirror and struggle with the same thoughts. I slap that smile on my face when really inside I want to crawl in a hole. I so desperately want to feel beautiful. I want so desperately to put on anything in that closet and be confident I own that look. I want so desperately to know I am loved and adored no matter what my body looks like. No matter what size my jeans say and no matter what I have had to eat that day.

Yes, this struggle is real. Are you there? Have you been there? The scale owns me and has owned me for way to long. My value and confidence stands firm on what that scale says and how those jeans fit. It's sad, it's real, and this is my life.

I want to eat that cookie. You know, the cookie "they" eat with no problem, but yet we so much as look at it and we are already wearing it on our thighs, in our stomachs, or butt.  It goes in our mouth and now instead of running 3 miles that day we better shoot for 5 miles to make ourselves feel better.

We exercise ourselves to death to finally get in "that" size, but you know what happens? We are still not good enough. We still don't feel pretty enough, and our clothes still look terrible. We still see the same thing in the mirror no matter what the scale tells us or the jean size. We are insecure.

Why? Why, can I not just accept who God made me to be. Why, can't I look in that mirror and see beauty, see strength, see love, see compassion, and see Him.

Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

God makes no mistakes. He is perfect. He is proud of all He created. We are His workmanship. So why can't we too see ourselves as God sees us. Day after day are we constantly putting ourselves down. However, we would never do that to anyone else.

Recently I felt I was starting to get a hold of the way things were. You know, coming to accept myself for who I am and for what God made me be.  That cellulite will always be a part of my body. My thighs and butt, yep always gonna be there. Those close will always hang there and I will always try on 5 different things each and ever morning until it looks just right. It's who I am. It's how He made me. And when I looked in the mirror then, I was seeing a Mom who was strong, she wasn't as skinny as others, but she was fit and she was happy. She wasn't a size 2, but even if she was she was realizing that too would not make her happy.

Then I found out I was expecting baby #4. No, God, I was just starting to love myself. I was just starting to accept what that scale tells me each and every morning. I was just getting ready to get everyone in school and find ME.

The last 5 months have been a struggle. The scale is going up again. I can't fit into anything except for those maternity clothes. I'm tired.. I'm puffy..Oh no, I'm seeing that insecure girl again. I have to try on 5 things just to leave the house. I'm working out 5 days a week and so badly want that cookie, but then have to remind myself it just doesn't work that way. The vicious cycle is back. How do we get rid of this?

I ventured back out to crossfit today. To my box, with my support, with people from all types of walks and backgrounds. With bodies of all shapes and sizes and all I can do is stare. "They" are beautiful. "They" are strong. "They" are doing this and so can I. As the WOD gets ready to start I hear a friend say..."Don't let her fool you, she's a beast." I smile from ear to ear and soak it in.

I am a beast. I will never have that perfect body, but I am strong. I am beautiful, and I am just who God made me to be. I am carrying this baby that God has so graciously blessed us with. Yes, It's not easy seeing this as part of His plan, but it is.

1 Samuel 16:7 "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I came home today and as silly as this may sound I looked at my body and looked at my belly and I said..."I am fearfully and wonderfully made." No more will that scale or will man define my idea of beauty and perfection. TODAY God defines it. It won't be an easy walk and Satan will always try planting those vicious thoughts in my mind, but I am ready.

I am ready to carry this baby. I am ready to gain this weight, because this weight does not define me. It doesn't define me now and it will not hold on to me and define me later. God defines me and God defines you. How amazing that we, as women, can carry our babies and if your not carrying one how amazing that God has prepared you for something great at this point in your life.

Today I challenge you. Get in to the word. See what God says about you. About your beauty, about His love for you, and about His plans. Today, accept yourself fully. God tell us our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. Exercise it and nourish it correctly, but more importantly love it and embrace it!